Gangland Badgers

I am now writing under a cloak. I have been co-opted into a Badger underworld group. Dangerous.

Look out for cryptic messages and see if you can help find me. I don't near where I will be next. I can hear a plane but I don't know where it's going.

Keep your ears to the ground / ear and if you see anything please email me.

My poor friend

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-hampshire-10650160
Did you see that article?

It was my friend Simon. Poor thing, he was the most clever badger I knew.
I cannot believe he met a metal death. Those nasty machines. Why don't they change the speed limits?

I am so pleased that out of respect for him those kind workmen did not paint over him. That says a lot about the human race. I am pleased and honoured to be a friend of men.

Badgers in the World Cup

I bet you didn't know my friend was playing in The World Cup! His real name is Schnorbitz but he has donned a human suit and is playing for real. Sadly, his hair has let him down on this occasion and it turns out he has been spotted by the Badgerazzi. Poor Schnor.

On the footballing front, aren't Germany doing well. My friend (who is a skunk) is following Germany very closely. As he said - "All Germans smell, that's why I identify with them".

I am not sure whether they will beat Spain. As my skunk friend said "The Spanish are slippery fuckers". Apologies for his crudeness but skunks can be like that.

So, on to my home country. Where did it go wrong?

Well, let's consider it. John Terry has a babe for a wife. Why on earth did he put it about elsewhere? Silly man. Poor decision-making. That explains Germany running rings around him.

Ashley Cole? Fool.

Rooney, poor Rooney, had the weight of the world on his shoulders and couldn't handle it. No surprise there.

And several others just didn't bother.

Cut their salaries, give a load to pay off the national debt and look to more gracious sports for the lessons.

The Big Old Dragon should have them for breakfast.

Better scurry, the Librarian is coming. See you soon.

More volcanoes

It seems I may have been a bit premature with the volcano comment. I managed to hitch a ride to Bermuda in April and I have only just returned. You would not believe how many wasps I encountered on the journey. It was all rather tasty but it just took so long. I had to get a ship from Bermuda to Tristan da Cunha, stow on a banana boat to Cape Town, a lorry to Kenya, a motorbike to Morocco then a gypsy caravan from Gibraltar to Calais. Then I hitched on another boat and then the train to RTW. The only time to transport didn't run on time was the Dover top Tonbridge stretch.

How can it be that a poor Badger can travel half way around the World with no problem but then I get stuck in England. What a joke!

I come back and find our what. Broc Clegg and Dodgy Cameroon have taken over the master Sett. Poor old Gobdog Broon didn't make it. Ho hum.

Still, it was a nice break and now I'm going to get back to work. The roof is dripping, some fox stole one of my pups so I need to track him down and there's rumour that The Big Old Dragon might return this summer. We'll have to see.

Finally, I heard that the Genius from PMS is on the Prowl. I'd better look out!

Volcanic bullshit

Of course, volcanoes come and go. But we've been living with them for years. Fucking volcanoes. Tossers.

The Badger is Back

Wow, what a two month period.

I got caught by a massive wasp whilst I was out foraging and I have been on the run. What a nightmare.

I jumped on a plane and ended up in Singapore. They don't like Badgers there! Somebody caught me and tried to cook me. What's that all about?

So I managed to get on Alan Air flight to KL. Had a good time there. Met a worm who is 700 years old - almost as old as Yoda!

Then, when tired of KL, I managed to boat and train all the way to Russia. It was cold but that snap of cold weather prepared me for it.

So, now I am back in RTW, and I am just in time for some eggs. I saw the Easter Bunny yesterday, she said that this year is a good one for storage of chocolate. Still a shame about the Cadbury's / Kraft thing but that's life. I was talking to some skunks in Russia about it - they didn't give a shit. Chocolate is chocolate as far as they're concerned. Boy, did they stink?

Anyway, now I'm back. I need to see a few Badgers and see a Badger about a dog, but I'll be back on after Easter. I might pop to see an old Broc in Paris, but let's see.

It's great to be back - have a badger filled Easter!

Wireless

I have managed to sneak back onto one of those high speed things. It's great. I was rummaging under somebodys seat and I have now managed to smuggle some of his sandwich crumbs away.

Now he's gone to the toilet so I have dived into to quickly blog here. Now I'm nosing away, what do I say?

I will just tell you what I can see.

There is a fat bloke in front of me with a silly tie that looks like it was bought in the 80's. There is another bloke beside me who is talking incessantly into his phone.

Oh no, here come the conductor...better hide...

Up North

How is it the song goes? If you go to Bolton, if you go to Manchester or Crewe? Something like that.

Well, I smuggled myself onto a Virgin train today and I am in Manchester. It's bloody snowing. I come here to escape the shitty Southern weather only to be out of the frying pan into a very big fire. How very annoying. Still, that's what you get when you come up North.

Why is it that in such a small country you can get this disparity of temperatures? Global warming? Plate shifts? I don't know. I leave things like that for cleverer badgers to work out.

Still, back to Manchester. I can't understand half of the Badgers up here. They all have funny voices. Why is that? Again, same question. Small question, too many regional accents.

Why is life so complicated?

Oh well, back to the song.

Northern Badgers, crazy useless things who smell of burgers and if you have too much to drink...

Blair Enquiry

Well, that's a new one on me. I went on to the BBC website and I saw a picture of a man I recognised. I listened to the people talking and realised it was Tony Blair. He is the distant cousin of Blair Badger, one of our famous brethren. As Gary Jules would say 'Mad World'.

Blair Badger was accused in our World of invading the Evil Wolf Kingdom. For years people had been scared of the Wolves and at one stage the silly Wolves launched an attack on a major sett in another country. For a long time people were scared of going around in case the Wolves came and got us. And when they got us they did awful things. they cut off Badgers noses, stuck bamboo under our paw claws and called us nasty names.

And, when Blair Badger organised a gang of Badgers to help him go and fight those Wolves, people supported it. It is only because this war has been going on for years and we have lost several pups that Badgers are complaining. I think that Badgers fail to realise that war is not a surgical procedure, it's not like paying somebody off with severance, it is vicious and horrible and Badgers get hurt, emotionally and physically. Sometimes people die. But if it makes the planet safer for Badgers to roam then isn't it worth it?

Some say our war with the Wolves will never go. It is as deep as the war with good and evil. Sometimes it is clever, sometimes it is nasty. But always people, Badgers, religions suffer.

Until we find peace there will always be a Badger out there hurting. And a Wolf. And a wasp. And probably a human too.

Help me help others. Pass on the word. Tell people to support Mr Badger in his bid to make the World a safer place. If necessary I will stand for human Government.

Facebook - a new discovery

I have made the most amazing Discovery - FACEBOOK!

Last night I crept into the Royal Tunbridge Wells library again and there it was...an open terminal with full access.

I started browsing around...slowly of course because it is difficult when you have big paws and a wet nose to browse with.

I discovered an open page - called FACEBOOK. Very interesting. Somebody had been talking to lots of people and they had so many friends. I couldn't believe how popular this person was. It was amazing.

So, I did what all normal Badgers would do in this situation. I made a new account. I set up my own profile. I invited a couple of friends, uploaded a few photos from the Badgical camera I always carry around. Then, hey presto, Wilf Badger was set up.

Within minutes I had lots of friends - of course I would like more - so please encourage your friends to invite me.

FACEBOOK...social networking. I didn't really understand what was social about this. I was typing away in the middle of the night. Still, social for a Badger is probably different than for a human.

For me, being social is hanging out with my friends. It's nosing around, exploring different setts, finding some worms to eat, some wasps to bait. Occasionally dodging a dog.

For humans I guess it's different?

Still, I am glad I have my FACEBOOK account now. Perhaps I'll set up a Badgerbook?

Airport Security

I have just arrived back from Switzerland. I managed to sneak on a place and hitch to one of the big cities there. It was funny, I was hiding in a briefcase, my little nose popping out so I saw the ridiculous charade of security.

People were removing their belts, their shoes, taking their laptops out of their briefcase, declaring things in plastic bags and then walking though a tunnel.

Well, not only did the person carrying me conceal a live Badger, he also concealed several pens, some keys, a stapler, a pencil sharpener (including sharp blade). If the person wanted to he could have easily used those creatively.

And the humans standing alongside were huffing and puffing, moaning away. I jumped out of the briefcase to go to Harry Ramsdens. It was great. I managed to steal lots of chips and some mushy peas.

So where do I stand on security? On the one hand perhaps it is sensible to make people remove all their clothes and stuff but IT DOESN'T WORK. So it can't be that sensible.

I am in favour of it in principle but it has a long way to go. Until I can't successfully be smuggled on to a plane then they need to keep improving.

Il Vesuvio

I took Mrs Badger out to a lovely little woodland spot last night. We drank moonshine and ate some cheese and bread and had a jolly old chat.

Mrs Badger explained that she wasn't sure whether she believed in ghosts or not. So I told her a story.

When I was a little cub I went out with one of my friends to an old human temple. Inside this temple all was dark and musty. I could smell death had been there and hadn't truly left the place. My friend, who I shall call Kit, was scared. He would only look through the window. What he saw through the window did not match what happened to me inside.

He said he saw a spirit, a kind of shadow, moving around and reaching for my maliciously. He thought that this was someone sent from Dark Old Broc himself, come to claim me as one of his workers, to take me away, never to be seen again. Luckily he didn't catch me.

Inside, I had a different experience. I felt that there was something spooky going on. But I couldn't quite explain it. I knew that somebody else was in there with me and it was larger than me and evil. Something didn't feel right. The hairs on my Badger neck were very high, it was very cold and every noise was heightened. Nothing happened but there was a sense that somehow I had been touched by something evil. Ever since then I have had an enhanced way of picking up evil on things. When my friends run across roads into metal beasts and get splattered I always sense them coming and avoid them. Some call it a 6th sense. I think it is down to that weird temple experience.

Anyway, have you ever been down a volcano? You get that same trippy experience. Go to Vesuvius or Etna. It's scary.

In the meantime, remember, if you sense something scary, there's probably an evil ghost trying to get you.

Bankers Pay

1.5 billion? Does anyone even know what that looks like?

I stumbled across a massive wasps nest one day. There were more than a billion wasps. At first I thought this was a huge feast and I would keep it to myself. Then I realised that the sheer number and weight was too much to handle. I told some other Badgers, I panicked that it would get out of hand and I simultaneously hoped no other Badgers would find it and then hoped that somebody would and it would put me out of my misery. I felt responsible for being in possession of so many wasps. It was too many for 1 Badger. It was too many for me and all my Badger friends.

I mean, really, how many wasps does 1 Badger mean? You can't quantify it. Until that point I had been driven by a massive desire to find more and more wasps. I've got a family to feed. But when I saw over a billion I knew that it was too much. I can't say how I knew, or why I knew, but I just knew. I knew that this many wasps was too much for 1 Badger.

It makes you think, doesn't it?

Mrs Badger was right after all.

Chocolates?

What is it about American Badgers? Why do they think they can come over here and steal our chocolate?

I have been eating Cadbury chocolate for years. And my Dad ate it before me. And my Grand-dad before him. In fact, we can trace eating Cadbury chocolate all the way back to old Broc. Even the Big Old Dragon is said to have eaten it.

AND NOW WHAT?

No longer will it be made with the cream of those dirty hills of Birmingham and Bristol (why do they both start with B?) and the sneaky Cacoa beans imported by Willy Wonka.

NO!!

Now it will be made with that crappy stuff from USA. They will ruin it. What will my cubs eat? Will they carry on this family tradition of eating Cadbury or will they go on just eating British. So our own family history will be all about eating British Chocolate rather than Cadbury specifically.

Now, the interesting thing about my cubs is that they will judge it on taste, as youth can do. They won't care a jot what I ate or old Broc ate, they will judge it solely on what tastes good. They'll judge it on texture, crunch, subtlety, bubbles, probably packaging, perhaps what's easiest to sneak from the shops.

So what does all this mean? Well, apart from personally being sad about it I fear it is another mark of the destruction of our communities in the quest for domination. Some call if globalisation. I call it rain forest crushing, caterpillar removal and nasty.

Of course, my sett is about as far removed from Cadbury as possible. Or is it?

Miserable Badger

I just read that this weekend is the most miserable weekend of the year. So I took this photo of someone I saw in the street to prove it.

But what is it with all of these bullshit statistics that say people are more miserable one day over another for this reason and this and that? Was it Vic Reeves who did the 78% of statistics are made up on the spot? What a joke.

In the Badger world this weekend is one of the best weekends ever because it is a day when we all head down to Dover and invade one of the major potato-importing ships. It's a very popular day because we can then have a massive potato party. And you know what happens when you get lots of potatoes together and lots of Badgers - mayhem!

The only time we have to be wary is when the bloody Big Old Dragon comes. That's when all of us with lame paws will have to work doubly hard to avoid him. Last year he came along and breathed fire at us all - only to inadvertently provide us with baked potatoes. It turned out to be one of the best meals we'd had! Silly dragon.

Anyway, in the meantime, beware the potato-wielding Badger!

Climate Change

Well, I don't know whether you put it down to climate change but the most bizarre thing happened to me last night.

I was plodding along on the way back to my sett to see Mrs Badger. I've still got a slight limp due to the paw (http://badgersview.blogspot.com/2009/12/well-what-funny-old-day.html). I hadn't had any sherbet so what I am about to say is real.

All of a sudden a massive blue box turned up and out popped some ponce in a suit.

"Come this way Wilf" he said to me.
"How do you know my name?" I said.
"I know everything Wilf, I am a Time Lord" he said.
"Well, I don't know about you but I've got to get home or Mrs Badger will have my Badger nuts and throw them on the fire".
"Don't worry, once we've had the most amazing experience of your short Badger life I will return you here at this exact moment in time."

Well, that did it for me. And, boy, did we have some adventures!

I saw the Birth of The Big Old Dragon (http://badgersview.blogspot.com/2009/12/big-old-dragon.html), walked through the trenches of the Great Badger War (my Uncle Broc died there) and saw things that would turn your hair white.

I will tell you about them some time.

And, the Time Lord even returned me home in time. I couldn't take the smile off my face. Mrs Badger thought I'd been on the Pernod again - little does she know! Ha.

Remember, if you see a blue box, don't ignore it. Climb into it and see where it takes you.

Badger on the Razz

Well, there's a new one. I just drank a bottle of Pernod. Ever tried it?

Blimey, a bottle of that down and I was anyones! Who'd have thought it?

I recommend it but make sure you've got plenty of water on tap. Very tough.

Mrs Badger has been out for the day. I don't think she's going to be very pleased when she gets home. Oh dear.

Beware the randomly intoxicated badger.

Guest post - this does it for me

http://usuallyconfined.blogspot.com/2010/01/badger-got-it-right.html

Business Banking

Business banking? How confusing? It's probably just as confusing to set up a current account but I haven't done it for over 15 years.

Firstly, who do you choose? There are so many different expressions, features, benefits, jargon, competitive references, special offers, 2010 offers - most of doesn't really mean anything to me. I'm looking for something which gives me a bank account that I can use on the internet. 20 quid cashback, free wasps, free card for your Mrs Badger - What on earth as I supposed to do??????

I have worked in Badger branding for years and it's rare that I get to be a new entrant to any market. Now I'm setting up 4 not-for-profit ventures and so I am truly getting to learn things for the first time again. And, how did I choose?

Here's what happened.

I asked 4 banks for more details.

Very arbitrarily.

I didn't go with 1 bank because their form was formatted poorly, inconsistently and looked very unattractive.

I went with the first bank who called me and offered to take me through the form over the telephone. Now, that's what a badger wants.

Not complicated. Is it?

Beware an angry Badger.

New Year!

Well, hello there my friendly Badger followers.

What New Years resolutions have you made?

Well, I have decided to change my diet. I am going to try and eat less wasps (painful going out the other side) and befriend hedgehogs, instead of eating them. Of course, wasps are tasty so maybe I will carry on eating them. I suppose it's a little like humans and Tabasco, it's nice at the time and then it hurts later. Perhaps if I was an Indian Badger things would be a little easier?

So, 2010 is a year of opportunity. I might start my own Badger business venture. But what would I do? Any businesses out there want some friendly Badger independent consulting?