Shepherds Pie

Hmmm, lovely. Managed to sneak into the Shepherds enclosure last night and steal the Shepherds Pie. This is a traditional meal for Christmas Eve and I GOT ONE!

Remember, don't leave your pie unattended, or the BADGER will get it!!

Christmas Badgers

This is great, I saw some of my friends on the internet today. This just about says it all!

Business Bullshit

Right, I've worked it out. I spent time thinking about what my personal brand was and why it's important. And I realised that it is no different to people thinking that I am a nice, pleasant Badger.

In the old days (only a few days earlier I had never heard of the concept of personal brand) it was as simple as 'being yourself'. If you wanted to impress somebody you put on nice clothes and acted on your best behaviour. If you thought somebody had the wrong impression of you then you worked hard to make sure that they got the right impression of you.

So who on earth are these idiots who have created an industry to rip people off when even the oldest Cave Badgers knew about personal branding? It's beginning to annoy me.

The last time somebody annoyed me by using business words when ordinary words were sufficient I sorted him out. Now, I didn't sort him out in the Eastenders Mitchell sense, no I sorted him out by waiting until he had gone to bed and then sneaking into his house and shitting in his slippers. I don't know what he thought when he put them on but I know it made me smile.

It's Christmas in a couple of days time. I love Father Christmas. He is one of the kindest humans I've ever met. He stands for generosity, fun, kindness, secrecy, magic and wonder. Whoever did his personal branding is good. I wish they'd come and work for me.

Until tomorrow, my friends, be careful when you put your slipper on.

Personal Branding

I was talking to one of my successful Badger friends over the weekend and he started talking about personal brands. "Personal brand, what's that?" I said.

He said in part it's what people say about you and what you say about yourself on the internet - take a look at the one below for the friend in question.

http://www.wordle.net/show/wrdl/1475282/na

That's odd, I thought. How do I control what people say about me when I'm a mere Badger?

So I thought. Then I thought a bit more. And more again. And then I got it.

I have to be clear and consistent with what I do. And my brand isn't just me, it's Mrs Badger too and our badger children. Hmmm, more on branding tomorrow when I think about what my personal brand actually is.

The Big Old Dragon

I've mentioned him before, now is the time I tell you the story of The Big Old Dragon.

The Big Old Dragon was born 10,000 years ago in a tiny little stable in York.

When he was young he was famous for lots of nasty things, such as eating children, refusing to let people play games with him, breathing fire at any dragon who dared speak with him and sometimes calling people harsh names - "Fart face", "Idiot", "Smelly Breath".

He rose to power by killing lots of other dragons and terrorising humans. He was the nastiest dragon the Badgers had ever heard of.

He had a fondness for custard and gold. He used to collect all the custard he could find and he would hunt high and low for gold, destroying villages and communities just for a few extra coins or bars. The custard would be his downfall.

The day he met his match was the day when a particularly clever, little dragon, whose name is not known, told him to meet him at the top of Bluebell mountain, where there was a huge pile of custard. Of course, as we now know, Bluebell mountain was in fact Mount Vesuvius the volcano. So The Big Old Dragon followed him to the top of of Bluebell mountain and looked over the edge.

"I see no custard" he roared.

"Take a closer look" said the little dragon. The Big Old Dragon looked closer.

"There is nothing there, I will kill you for this" he shouted.

"No, special dragon" said the little dragon "You must go closer so that you feel you will fall over before you see the best custard the World has ever known".

Of course, The Big Old Dragon edged over and fell, sucked down by the power of the volcano and the lava. The screams were heard for 1000's of miles but nobody ever found his body.

So that's why people think The Big Old Dragon is still alive and haunts people all around the World.

Us badgers don't mind for we've been known to be quite dangerous ourselves. So, remember, if something funny happens in your house it might not be the dog, it might be THE BIG OLD DRAGON.

Snow Badger

Well, I crept out this morning and what did I see? Miles and miles and miles of snow. Wonderful. I saw some cubs playing, throwing snowballs, making SnowBadgers, it's lovely when it snows.

The annoying thing is - how am I supposed to find worms? Worms, as you know, are a badgers staple. Still, I suppose it means that a few worms will live to tell their tale another day. A lot of people think worms are stupid but they're not. Worms are one of the brightest, virus-carrying creatures I know. If you find yourself down a rabbit burrow and you're confronted by 1000 worms you'd be a better badger than me if you managed to escape. My old sergeant - Sarge Broc - said to me "There is nothing as intimidating as a can of angry worms". Those words of stayed with me.

Still, the snow is soft on my limp paw and the cold brings down the swelling. Mrs Badger thinks I'm crazy when I'm pottering around outside but it's for the best. Who knows when the snow will go? I've got to get all the Nuts I can and any stray hedgehogs. The mashed potato won't live forever. Plus there's the stranded baby badgers to think about, somebody has to save them.

I wonder how Russ the Dragon is doing? I hope he's managed to jump above the snow and is enjoying himself as much as I am.

Enjoy the snow my friends but, remember, if you see a little stripe beneath the snow and it's not yellow be careful where you put your finger. It won't be my fault if I mistake them for worms.

Russ the Dragon

There I was down in the dumps feeling sorry for myself. Mrs Badger is upset because I've got to rest up for 6 weeks. I was wondering what to do when I heard a scraping outside the Sett.

Luckily my friend Russ the Dragon was at the door to see me. Now, Russ is a complex dragon. Most dragons are complex but Russ is most complex than most. For a start, he runs a little business where he rents out properties all over the World to other Dragons (and some other creatures but Dragons are his speciality). Not just any old properties, these are special ones. Like the White Clouds of Groombridge, and the Dark Covens of Washington. In fact I think Russ was the first dragon to arrange a visit to the ruins of Dragalot, where that old git George slayed The Big Old Dragon, one of the Dragon heroes.

Aside from his business ventures Russ is very good at jumping - you can see what I mean by his photo. I don't know where he gets his talent from but he can jump as high as a horse. One day he jumped so high that they say his hair got wet from the rainclouds. Now, I don't know whether that's true or not but today he jumped all the way to the top of the Acorn tree to get me some nuts that hadn't been swiped by the Squirrels.

So Russ and I roasted the nuts on the fire and Russ sang one of his favourite Dragon songs - Squirrel Nuts roasting on a Badgers Fire. It was very festive and very seasonal.

Then Russ did the funniest thing. I turned my back and he was gone. Just like that. It was almost as though he was uncomfortable with what I'd said. I had just started to ask him about the rumours of the reappearance of The Big Old Dragon (who is said to smell so bad you can sense he is near as soon as he sets foot in the Kingdom) when he was off. I looked up to see where he'd jumped to but not a sign. I never put Russ down as scared of The Big Old Dragon but maybe he is. Or maybe he's on his side. I'll find out soon I guess.

The nuts made me feel better. I'll have a kip now.

Remember, my friends, if you see a pink jumping swoosh the chances are it is Russ the Dragon. And if you do see him, tell him to come back and see me. Thank you.

Broken Paw

Well, what a funny old day. First off, Mrs Badger had a different idea of what a treat is. I was expecting some rumpy-pumpy and she had all these ideas about flea masks, combing each others coats, applying anti-ant spray and that sort of nonsense.

What is about people mis-interpreting things? Who was it who said that Badgers and skunks are two species separated by a common tongue? Common, my arse!

Communication is at the root of all problems. Let's take my other major event today - a visit to the Badger Hospital, locally known as the Kent and Sussex, because it is right on the border of Kent and Sussex (at least it used to be anyway). They have built a human hospital above it and the Badger one is below.

So, I went there because I have a sore paw. "I've got a sore paw" I said. Before I knew it I was taken to B-Ray, given a BT Scan, put into plaster and they told me I'm not allowed to put any weight on it for 6 weeks. "6 Weeks!" I said, "How is a wily Badger supposed to do his Badger Christmas shopping with only 3 legs?" They said nothing. So, now I've got to hobble around until 2010.

So, if you see me hobbling about, you'll know it's me.

Remember, the only thing worse than a Badger is an injured Badger. So, beware my friends, and look out for Mr Badger - if you stroke me expect to lose some fingers.

The Art of Mashed Potato

Today has been very special. I managed to pilfer some potatoes from a market stall and make my favourite food - mashed potato. Everybody knows Badgers love Mashed Potato.

Once I had finished making the potato it got me thinking...the art of making Mashed Potato is very similar to the art of life. Let me explain. This, of course, will be the truncated version for the real philosophising will remain in my mind forever.

Mashed Potato

Take a potato, peel it, boil it, drain the water, squash it, add some butter, add some milk, squash it more. Optional: add salt, pepper, Tabasco - to suit your taste.

Life

Take a problem / challenge: peel back the issues (remove the crap), muse for a period of time (20 minutes will be enough), stop musing, kick it around for a bit, add some context, add some advice, ask "What would Wilf Badger do?". Optional: add whatever context you like - to suit yours and others taste.

So, I still have a potato, but now it's a much more appealing, palatable potato. Same with my problem.

If you disagree with this way of thinking it's probably because you're not a badger and you see things through a more simple lens.

Back to the potato - I shared some with Mrs Badger and she got very excited. She said it is the first time in ages I've made her some special Mashed Potato and tomorrow she has a special treat for me. Ooh, I'm excited now.

One of my friends, sadly no longer with us, Forrest Badger once said to me: Life is like a box of potatoes. He was then run over by a bus so I didn't really understand what he meant. If you know, please tell me.

That'll do for now, I can hear the security guard coming. Remember, lock up your vegetables and beware the badger.

Welcome to my blog

For some time now I've thought about blogging. The problem is, there are so many cars and bicycles on the roads these days. How is a badger supposed to get around whilst there is so much trafffic?

Anyway, I made my way to the Library in Royal Tunbridge Wells last night and managed to sneak in. I think I got spotted by a couple of CCTV cameras but I know the police never check them so I'll be fine.

I saw a few kids messing around, like kids do, so I wasn't worried there. There were a few smashed bottles and fag butts but nothing for a wily badger like me to worry about.

Anyway, I found the computer and here I am - blogging. Now that I've got access I don't really know what to write about. Oh well, I'll come back tomorrow and work it out then.

For now, remember, beware the badger.