Proud to be British

There is a debate going on in the Badger parliament at the moment. One of the honourable badgers listened to another badgers conversation and put it in 'The Daily Broc'.

Makes be proud to be a badger. Watching Badger Banron defend himself by snapping at all the other badgers.
Bed Badgerland is trying but they are all embarrassing.

I might stand for parliament myself.

Would YOU vote for me??

Gangland Badgers

I am now writing under a cloak. I have been co-opted into a Badger underworld group. Dangerous.

Look out for cryptic messages and see if you can help find me. I don't near where I will be next. I can hear a plane but I don't know where it's going.

Keep your ears to the ground / ear and if you see anything please email me.

Badgers in the World Cup

I bet you didn't know my friend was playing in The World Cup! His real name is Schnorbitz but he has donned a human suit and is playing for real. Sadly, his hair has let him down on this occasion and it turns out he has been spotted by the Badgerazzi. Poor Schnor.

On the footballing front, aren't Germany doing well. My friend (who is a skunk) is following Germany very closely. As he said - "All Germans smell, that's why I identify with them".

I am not sure whether they will beat Spain. As my skunk friend said "The Spanish are slippery fuckers". Apologies for his crudeness but skunks can be like that.

So, on to my home country. Where did it go wrong?

Well, let's consider it. John Terry has a babe for a wife. Why on earth did he put it about elsewhere? Silly man. Poor decision-making. That explains Germany running rings around him.

Ashley Cole? Fool.

Rooney, poor Rooney, had the weight of the world on his shoulders and couldn't handle it. No surprise there.

And several others just didn't bother.

Cut their salaries, give a load to pay off the national debt and look to more gracious sports for the lessons.

The Big Old Dragon should have them for breakfast.

Better scurry, the Librarian is coming. See you soon.

More volcanoes

It seems I may have been a bit premature with the volcano comment. I managed to hitch a ride to Bermuda in April and I have only just returned. You would not believe how many wasps I encountered on the journey. It was all rather tasty but it just took so long. I had to get a ship from Bermuda to Tristan da Cunha, stow on a banana boat to Cape Town, a lorry to Kenya, a motorbike to Morocco then a gypsy caravan from Gibraltar to Calais. Then I hitched on another boat and then the train to RTW. The only time to transport didn't run on time was the Dover top Tonbridge stretch.

How can it be that a poor Badger can travel half way around the World with no problem but then I get stuck in England. What a joke!

I come back and find our what. Broc Clegg and Dodgy Cameroon have taken over the master Sett. Poor old Gobdog Broon didn't make it. Ho hum.

Still, it was a nice break and now I'm going to get back to work. The roof is dripping, some fox stole one of my pups so I need to track him down and there's rumour that The Big Old Dragon might return this summer. We'll have to see.

Finally, I heard that the Genius from PMS is on the Prowl. I'd better look out!

The Badger is Back

Wow, what a two month period.

I got caught by a massive wasp whilst I was out foraging and I have been on the run. What a nightmare.

I jumped on a plane and ended up in Singapore. They don't like Badgers there! Somebody caught me and tried to cook me. What's that all about?

So I managed to get on Alan Air flight to KL. Had a good time there. Met a worm who is 700 years old - almost as old as Yoda!

Then, when tired of KL, I managed to boat and train all the way to Russia. It was cold but that snap of cold weather prepared me for it.

So, now I am back in RTW, and I am just in time for some eggs. I saw the Easter Bunny yesterday, she said that this year is a good one for storage of chocolate. Still a shame about the Cadbury's / Kraft thing but that's life. I was talking to some skunks in Russia about it - they didn't give a shit. Chocolate is chocolate as far as they're concerned. Boy, did they stink?

Anyway, now I'm back. I need to see a few Badgers and see a Badger about a dog, but I'll be back on after Easter. I might pop to see an old Broc in Paris, but let's see.

It's great to be back - have a badger filled Easter!

Up North

How is it the song goes? If you go to Bolton, if you go to Manchester or Crewe? Something like that.

Well, I smuggled myself onto a Virgin train today and I am in Manchester. It's bloody snowing. I come here to escape the shitty Southern weather only to be out of the frying pan into a very big fire. How very annoying. Still, that's what you get when you come up North.

Why is it that in such a small country you can get this disparity of temperatures? Global warming? Plate shifts? I don't know. I leave things like that for cleverer badgers to work out.

Still, back to Manchester. I can't understand half of the Badgers up here. They all have funny voices. Why is that? Again, same question. Small question, too many regional accents.

Why is life so complicated?

Oh well, back to the song.

Northern Badgers, crazy useless things who smell of burgers and if you have too much to drink...

Blair Enquiry

Well, that's a new one on me. I went on to the BBC website and I saw a picture of a man I recognised. I listened to the people talking and realised it was Tony Blair. He is the distant cousin of Blair Badger, one of our famous brethren. As Gary Jules would say 'Mad World'.

Blair Badger was accused in our World of invading the Evil Wolf Kingdom. For years people had been scared of the Wolves and at one stage the silly Wolves launched an attack on a major sett in another country. For a long time people were scared of going around in case the Wolves came and got us. And when they got us they did awful things. they cut off Badgers noses, stuck bamboo under our paw claws and called us nasty names.

And, when Blair Badger organised a gang of Badgers to help him go and fight those Wolves, people supported it. It is only because this war has been going on for years and we have lost several pups that Badgers are complaining. I think that Badgers fail to realise that war is not a surgical procedure, it's not like paying somebody off with severance, it is vicious and horrible and Badgers get hurt, emotionally and physically. Sometimes people die. But if it makes the planet safer for Badgers to roam then isn't it worth it?

Some say our war with the Wolves will never go. It is as deep as the war with good and evil. Sometimes it is clever, sometimes it is nasty. But always people, Badgers, religions suffer.

Until we find peace there will always be a Badger out there hurting. And a Wolf. And a wasp. And probably a human too.

Help me help others. Pass on the word. Tell people to support Mr Badger in his bid to make the World a safer place. If necessary I will stand for human Government.

Facebook - a new discovery

I have made the most amazing Discovery - FACEBOOK!

Last night I crept into the Royal Tunbridge Wells library again and there it was...an open terminal with full access.

I started browsing around...slowly of course because it is difficult when you have big paws and a wet nose to browse with.

I discovered an open page - called FACEBOOK. Very interesting. Somebody had been talking to lots of people and they had so many friends. I couldn't believe how popular this person was. It was amazing.

So, I did what all normal Badgers would do in this situation. I made a new account. I set up my own profile. I invited a couple of friends, uploaded a few photos from the Badgical camera I always carry around. Then, hey presto, Wilf Badger was set up.

Within minutes I had lots of friends - of course I would like more - so please encourage your friends to invite me.

FACEBOOK...social networking. I didn't really understand what was social about this. I was typing away in the middle of the night. Still, social for a Badger is probably different than for a human.

For me, being social is hanging out with my friends. It's nosing around, exploring different setts, finding some worms to eat, some wasps to bait. Occasionally dodging a dog.

For humans I guess it's different?

Still, I am glad I have my FACEBOOK account now. Perhaps I'll set up a Badgerbook?

Airport Security

I have just arrived back from Switzerland. I managed to sneak on a place and hitch to one of the big cities there. It was funny, I was hiding in a briefcase, my little nose popping out so I saw the ridiculous charade of security.

People were removing their belts, their shoes, taking their laptops out of their briefcase, declaring things in plastic bags and then walking though a tunnel.

Well, not only did the person carrying me conceal a live Badger, he also concealed several pens, some keys, a stapler, a pencil sharpener (including sharp blade). If the person wanted to he could have easily used those creatively.

And the humans standing alongside were huffing and puffing, moaning away. I jumped out of the briefcase to go to Harry Ramsdens. It was great. I managed to steal lots of chips and some mushy peas.

So where do I stand on security? On the one hand perhaps it is sensible to make people remove all their clothes and stuff but IT DOESN'T WORK. So it can't be that sensible.

I am in favour of it in principle but it has a long way to go. Until I can't successfully be smuggled on to a plane then they need to keep improving.

Il Vesuvio

I took Mrs Badger out to a lovely little woodland spot last night. We drank moonshine and ate some cheese and bread and had a jolly old chat.

Mrs Badger explained that she wasn't sure whether she believed in ghosts or not. So I told her a story.

When I was a little cub I went out with one of my friends to an old human temple. Inside this temple all was dark and musty. I could smell death had been there and hadn't truly left the place. My friend, who I shall call Kit, was scared. He would only look through the window. What he saw through the window did not match what happened to me inside.

He said he saw a spirit, a kind of shadow, moving around and reaching for my maliciously. He thought that this was someone sent from Dark Old Broc himself, come to claim me as one of his workers, to take me away, never to be seen again. Luckily he didn't catch me.

Inside, I had a different experience. I felt that there was something spooky going on. But I couldn't quite explain it. I knew that somebody else was in there with me and it was larger than me and evil. Something didn't feel right. The hairs on my Badger neck were very high, it was very cold and every noise was heightened. Nothing happened but there was a sense that somehow I had been touched by something evil. Ever since then I have had an enhanced way of picking up evil on things. When my friends run across roads into metal beasts and get splattered I always sense them coming and avoid them. Some call it a 6th sense. I think it is down to that weird temple experience.

Anyway, have you ever been down a volcano? You get that same trippy experience. Go to Vesuvius or Etna. It's scary.

In the meantime, remember, if you sense something scary, there's probably an evil ghost trying to get you.

Bankers Pay

1.5 billion? Does anyone even know what that looks like?

I stumbled across a massive wasps nest one day. There were more than a billion wasps. At first I thought this was a huge feast and I would keep it to myself. Then I realised that the sheer number and weight was too much to handle. I told some other Badgers, I panicked that it would get out of hand and I simultaneously hoped no other Badgers would find it and then hoped that somebody would and it would put me out of my misery. I felt responsible for being in possession of so many wasps. It was too many for 1 Badger. It was too many for me and all my Badger friends.

I mean, really, how many wasps does 1 Badger mean? You can't quantify it. Until that point I had been driven by a massive desire to find more and more wasps. I've got a family to feed. But when I saw over a billion I knew that it was too much. I can't say how I knew, or why I knew, but I just knew. I knew that this many wasps was too much for 1 Badger.

It makes you think, doesn't it?

Mrs Badger was right after all.

Chocolates?

What is it about American Badgers? Why do they think they can come over here and steal our chocolate?

I have been eating Cadbury chocolate for years. And my Dad ate it before me. And my Grand-dad before him. In fact, we can trace eating Cadbury chocolate all the way back to old Broc. Even the Big Old Dragon is said to have eaten it.

AND NOW WHAT?

No longer will it be made with the cream of those dirty hills of Birmingham and Bristol (why do they both start with B?) and the sneaky Cacoa beans imported by Willy Wonka.

NO!!

Now it will be made with that crappy stuff from USA. They will ruin it. What will my cubs eat? Will they carry on this family tradition of eating Cadbury or will they go on just eating British. So our own family history will be all about eating British Chocolate rather than Cadbury specifically.

Now, the interesting thing about my cubs is that they will judge it on taste, as youth can do. They won't care a jot what I ate or old Broc ate, they will judge it solely on what tastes good. They'll judge it on texture, crunch, subtlety, bubbles, probably packaging, perhaps what's easiest to sneak from the shops.

So what does all this mean? Well, apart from personally being sad about it I fear it is another mark of the destruction of our communities in the quest for domination. Some call if globalisation. I call it rain forest crushing, caterpillar removal and nasty.

Of course, my sett is about as far removed from Cadbury as possible. Or is it?

Business Banking

Business banking? How confusing? It's probably just as confusing to set up a current account but I haven't done it for over 15 years.

Firstly, who do you choose? There are so many different expressions, features, benefits, jargon, competitive references, special offers, 2010 offers - most of doesn't really mean anything to me. I'm looking for something which gives me a bank account that I can use on the internet. 20 quid cashback, free wasps, free card for your Mrs Badger - What on earth as I supposed to do??????

I have worked in Badger branding for years and it's rare that I get to be a new entrant to any market. Now I'm setting up 4 not-for-profit ventures and so I am truly getting to learn things for the first time again. And, how did I choose?

Here's what happened.

I asked 4 banks for more details.

Very arbitrarily.

I didn't go with 1 bank because their form was formatted poorly, inconsistently and looked very unattractive.

I went with the first bank who called me and offered to take me through the form over the telephone. Now, that's what a badger wants.

Not complicated. Is it?

Beware an angry Badger.

Business Bullshit

Right, I've worked it out. I spent time thinking about what my personal brand was and why it's important. And I realised that it is no different to people thinking that I am a nice, pleasant Badger.

In the old days (only a few days earlier I had never heard of the concept of personal brand) it was as simple as 'being yourself'. If you wanted to impress somebody you put on nice clothes and acted on your best behaviour. If you thought somebody had the wrong impression of you then you worked hard to make sure that they got the right impression of you.

So who on earth are these idiots who have created an industry to rip people off when even the oldest Cave Badgers knew about personal branding? It's beginning to annoy me.

The last time somebody annoyed me by using business words when ordinary words were sufficient I sorted him out. Now, I didn't sort him out in the Eastenders Mitchell sense, no I sorted him out by waiting until he had gone to bed and then sneaking into his house and shitting in his slippers. I don't know what he thought when he put them on but I know it made me smile.

It's Christmas in a couple of days time. I love Father Christmas. He is one of the kindest humans I've ever met. He stands for generosity, fun, kindness, secrecy, magic and wonder. Whoever did his personal branding is good. I wish they'd come and work for me.

Until tomorrow, my friends, be careful when you put your slipper on.

Personal Branding

I was talking to one of my successful Badger friends over the weekend and he started talking about personal brands. "Personal brand, what's that?" I said.

He said in part it's what people say about you and what you say about yourself on the internet - take a look at the one below for the friend in question.

http://www.wordle.net/show/wrdl/1475282/na

That's odd, I thought. How do I control what people say about me when I'm a mere Badger?

So I thought. Then I thought a bit more. And more again. And then I got it.

I have to be clear and consistent with what I do. And my brand isn't just me, it's Mrs Badger too and our badger children. Hmmm, more on branding tomorrow when I think about what my personal brand actually is.

Snow Badger

Well, I crept out this morning and what did I see? Miles and miles and miles of snow. Wonderful. I saw some cubs playing, throwing snowballs, making SnowBadgers, it's lovely when it snows.

The annoying thing is - how am I supposed to find worms? Worms, as you know, are a badgers staple. Still, I suppose it means that a few worms will live to tell their tale another day. A lot of people think worms are stupid but they're not. Worms are one of the brightest, virus-carrying creatures I know. If you find yourself down a rabbit burrow and you're confronted by 1000 worms you'd be a better badger than me if you managed to escape. My old sergeant - Sarge Broc - said to me "There is nothing as intimidating as a can of angry worms". Those words of stayed with me.

Still, the snow is soft on my limp paw and the cold brings down the swelling. Mrs Badger thinks I'm crazy when I'm pottering around outside but it's for the best. Who knows when the snow will go? I've got to get all the Nuts I can and any stray hedgehogs. The mashed potato won't live forever. Plus there's the stranded baby badgers to think about, somebody has to save them.

I wonder how Russ the Dragon is doing? I hope he's managed to jump above the snow and is enjoying himself as much as I am.

Enjoy the snow my friends but, remember, if you see a little stripe beneath the snow and it's not yellow be careful where you put your finger. It won't be my fault if I mistake them for worms.

Russ the Dragon

There I was down in the dumps feeling sorry for myself. Mrs Badger is upset because I've got to rest up for 6 weeks. I was wondering what to do when I heard a scraping outside the Sett.

Luckily my friend Russ the Dragon was at the door to see me. Now, Russ is a complex dragon. Most dragons are complex but Russ is most complex than most. For a start, he runs a little business where he rents out properties all over the World to other Dragons (and some other creatures but Dragons are his speciality). Not just any old properties, these are special ones. Like the White Clouds of Groombridge, and the Dark Covens of Washington. In fact I think Russ was the first dragon to arrange a visit to the ruins of Dragalot, where that old git George slayed The Big Old Dragon, one of the Dragon heroes.

Aside from his business ventures Russ is very good at jumping - you can see what I mean by his photo. I don't know where he gets his talent from but he can jump as high as a horse. One day he jumped so high that they say his hair got wet from the rainclouds. Now, I don't know whether that's true or not but today he jumped all the way to the top of the Acorn tree to get me some nuts that hadn't been swiped by the Squirrels.

So Russ and I roasted the nuts on the fire and Russ sang one of his favourite Dragon songs - Squirrel Nuts roasting on a Badgers Fire. It was very festive and very seasonal.

Then Russ did the funniest thing. I turned my back and he was gone. Just like that. It was almost as though he was uncomfortable with what I'd said. I had just started to ask him about the rumours of the reappearance of The Big Old Dragon (who is said to smell so bad you can sense he is near as soon as he sets foot in the Kingdom) when he was off. I looked up to see where he'd jumped to but not a sign. I never put Russ down as scared of The Big Old Dragon but maybe he is. Or maybe he's on his side. I'll find out soon I guess.

The nuts made me feel better. I'll have a kip now.

Remember, my friends, if you see a pink jumping swoosh the chances are it is Russ the Dragon. And if you do see him, tell him to come back and see me. Thank you.

Welcome to my blog

For some time now I've thought about blogging. The problem is, there are so many cars and bicycles on the roads these days. How is a badger supposed to get around whilst there is so much trafffic?

Anyway, I made my way to the Library in Royal Tunbridge Wells last night and managed to sneak in. I think I got spotted by a couple of CCTV cameras but I know the police never check them so I'll be fine.

I saw a few kids messing around, like kids do, so I wasn't worried there. There were a few smashed bottles and fag butts but nothing for a wily badger like me to worry about.

Anyway, I found the computer and here I am - blogging. Now that I've got access I don't really know what to write about. Oh well, I'll come back tomorrow and work it out then.

For now, remember, beware the badger.