Up North

How is it the song goes? If you go to Bolton, if you go to Manchester or Crewe? Something like that.

Well, I smuggled myself onto a Virgin train today and I am in Manchester. It's bloody snowing. I come here to escape the shitty Southern weather only to be out of the frying pan into a very big fire. How very annoying. Still, that's what you get when you come up North.

Why is it that in such a small country you can get this disparity of temperatures? Global warming? Plate shifts? I don't know. I leave things like that for cleverer badgers to work out.

Still, back to Manchester. I can't understand half of the Badgers up here. They all have funny voices. Why is that? Again, same question. Small question, too many regional accents.

Why is life so complicated?

Oh well, back to the song.

Northern Badgers, crazy useless things who smell of burgers and if you have too much to drink...

Blair Enquiry

Well, that's a new one on me. I went on to the BBC website and I saw a picture of a man I recognised. I listened to the people talking and realised it was Tony Blair. He is the distant cousin of Blair Badger, one of our famous brethren. As Gary Jules would say 'Mad World'.

Blair Badger was accused in our World of invading the Evil Wolf Kingdom. For years people had been scared of the Wolves and at one stage the silly Wolves launched an attack on a major sett in another country. For a long time people were scared of going around in case the Wolves came and got us. And when they got us they did awful things. they cut off Badgers noses, stuck bamboo under our paw claws and called us nasty names.

And, when Blair Badger organised a gang of Badgers to help him go and fight those Wolves, people supported it. It is only because this war has been going on for years and we have lost several pups that Badgers are complaining. I think that Badgers fail to realise that war is not a surgical procedure, it's not like paying somebody off with severance, it is vicious and horrible and Badgers get hurt, emotionally and physically. Sometimes people die. But if it makes the planet safer for Badgers to roam then isn't it worth it?

Some say our war with the Wolves will never go. It is as deep as the war with good and evil. Sometimes it is clever, sometimes it is nasty. But always people, Badgers, religions suffer.

Until we find peace there will always be a Badger out there hurting. And a Wolf. And a wasp. And probably a human too.

Help me help others. Pass on the word. Tell people to support Mr Badger in his bid to make the World a safer place. If necessary I will stand for human Government.

Il Vesuvio

I took Mrs Badger out to a lovely little woodland spot last night. We drank moonshine and ate some cheese and bread and had a jolly old chat.

Mrs Badger explained that she wasn't sure whether she believed in ghosts or not. So I told her a story.

When I was a little cub I went out with one of my friends to an old human temple. Inside this temple all was dark and musty. I could smell death had been there and hadn't truly left the place. My friend, who I shall call Kit, was scared. He would only look through the window. What he saw through the window did not match what happened to me inside.

He said he saw a spirit, a kind of shadow, moving around and reaching for my maliciously. He thought that this was someone sent from Dark Old Broc himself, come to claim me as one of his workers, to take me away, never to be seen again. Luckily he didn't catch me.

Inside, I had a different experience. I felt that there was something spooky going on. But I couldn't quite explain it. I knew that somebody else was in there with me and it was larger than me and evil. Something didn't feel right. The hairs on my Badger neck were very high, it was very cold and every noise was heightened. Nothing happened but there was a sense that somehow I had been touched by something evil. Ever since then I have had an enhanced way of picking up evil on things. When my friends run across roads into metal beasts and get splattered I always sense them coming and avoid them. Some call it a 6th sense. I think it is down to that weird temple experience.

Anyway, have you ever been down a volcano? You get that same trippy experience. Go to Vesuvius or Etna. It's scary.

In the meantime, remember, if you sense something scary, there's probably an evil ghost trying to get you.

Climate Change

Well, I don't know whether you put it down to climate change but the most bizarre thing happened to me last night.

I was plodding along on the way back to my sett to see Mrs Badger. I've still got a slight limp due to the paw (http://badgersview.blogspot.com/2009/12/well-what-funny-old-day.html). I hadn't had any sherbet so what I am about to say is real.

All of a sudden a massive blue box turned up and out popped some ponce in a suit.

"Come this way Wilf" he said to me.
"How do you know my name?" I said.
"I know everything Wilf, I am a Time Lord" he said.
"Well, I don't know about you but I've got to get home or Mrs Badger will have my Badger nuts and throw them on the fire".
"Don't worry, once we've had the most amazing experience of your short Badger life I will return you here at this exact moment in time."

Well, that did it for me. And, boy, did we have some adventures!

I saw the Birth of The Big Old Dragon (http://badgersview.blogspot.com/2009/12/big-old-dragon.html), walked through the trenches of the Great Badger War (my Uncle Broc died there) and saw things that would turn your hair white.

I will tell you about them some time.

And, the Time Lord even returned me home in time. I couldn't take the smile off my face. Mrs Badger thought I'd been on the Pernod again - little does she know! Ha.

Remember, if you see a blue box, don't ignore it. Climb into it and see where it takes you.

Business Banking

Business banking? How confusing? It's probably just as confusing to set up a current account but I haven't done it for over 15 years.

Firstly, who do you choose? There are so many different expressions, features, benefits, jargon, competitive references, special offers, 2010 offers - most of doesn't really mean anything to me. I'm looking for something which gives me a bank account that I can use on the internet. 20 quid cashback, free wasps, free card for your Mrs Badger - What on earth as I supposed to do??????

I have worked in Badger branding for years and it's rare that I get to be a new entrant to any market. Now I'm setting up 4 not-for-profit ventures and so I am truly getting to learn things for the first time again. And, how did I choose?

Here's what happened.

I asked 4 banks for more details.

Very arbitrarily.

I didn't go with 1 bank because their form was formatted poorly, inconsistently and looked very unattractive.

I went with the first bank who called me and offered to take me through the form over the telephone. Now, that's what a badger wants.

Not complicated. Is it?

Beware an angry Badger.

Personal Branding

I was talking to one of my successful Badger friends over the weekend and he started talking about personal brands. "Personal brand, what's that?" I said.

He said in part it's what people say about you and what you say about yourself on the internet - take a look at the one below for the friend in question.

http://www.wordle.net/show/wrdl/1475282/na

That's odd, I thought. How do I control what people say about me when I'm a mere Badger?

So I thought. Then I thought a bit more. And more again. And then I got it.

I have to be clear and consistent with what I do. And my brand isn't just me, it's Mrs Badger too and our badger children. Hmmm, more on branding tomorrow when I think about what my personal brand actually is.

Snow Badger

Well, I crept out this morning and what did I see? Miles and miles and miles of snow. Wonderful. I saw some cubs playing, throwing snowballs, making SnowBadgers, it's lovely when it snows.

The annoying thing is - how am I supposed to find worms? Worms, as you know, are a badgers staple. Still, I suppose it means that a few worms will live to tell their tale another day. A lot of people think worms are stupid but they're not. Worms are one of the brightest, virus-carrying creatures I know. If you find yourself down a rabbit burrow and you're confronted by 1000 worms you'd be a better badger than me if you managed to escape. My old sergeant - Sarge Broc - said to me "There is nothing as intimidating as a can of angry worms". Those words of stayed with me.

Still, the snow is soft on my limp paw and the cold brings down the swelling. Mrs Badger thinks I'm crazy when I'm pottering around outside but it's for the best. Who knows when the snow will go? I've got to get all the Nuts I can and any stray hedgehogs. The mashed potato won't live forever. Plus there's the stranded baby badgers to think about, somebody has to save them.

I wonder how Russ the Dragon is doing? I hope he's managed to jump above the snow and is enjoying himself as much as I am.

Enjoy the snow my friends but, remember, if you see a little stripe beneath the snow and it's not yellow be careful where you put your finger. It won't be my fault if I mistake them for worms.

Russ the Dragon

There I was down in the dumps feeling sorry for myself. Mrs Badger is upset because I've got to rest up for 6 weeks. I was wondering what to do when I heard a scraping outside the Sett.

Luckily my friend Russ the Dragon was at the door to see me. Now, Russ is a complex dragon. Most dragons are complex but Russ is most complex than most. For a start, he runs a little business where he rents out properties all over the World to other Dragons (and some other creatures but Dragons are his speciality). Not just any old properties, these are special ones. Like the White Clouds of Groombridge, and the Dark Covens of Washington. In fact I think Russ was the first dragon to arrange a visit to the ruins of Dragalot, where that old git George slayed The Big Old Dragon, one of the Dragon heroes.

Aside from his business ventures Russ is very good at jumping - you can see what I mean by his photo. I don't know where he gets his talent from but he can jump as high as a horse. One day he jumped so high that they say his hair got wet from the rainclouds. Now, I don't know whether that's true or not but today he jumped all the way to the top of the Acorn tree to get me some nuts that hadn't been swiped by the Squirrels.

So Russ and I roasted the nuts on the fire and Russ sang one of his favourite Dragon songs - Squirrel Nuts roasting on a Badgers Fire. It was very festive and very seasonal.

Then Russ did the funniest thing. I turned my back and he was gone. Just like that. It was almost as though he was uncomfortable with what I'd said. I had just started to ask him about the rumours of the reappearance of The Big Old Dragon (who is said to smell so bad you can sense he is near as soon as he sets foot in the Kingdom) when he was off. I looked up to see where he'd jumped to but not a sign. I never put Russ down as scared of The Big Old Dragon but maybe he is. Or maybe he's on his side. I'll find out soon I guess.

The nuts made me feel better. I'll have a kip now.

Remember, my friends, if you see a pink jumping swoosh the chances are it is Russ the Dragon. And if you do see him, tell him to come back and see me. Thank you.